Allison

Topics: Depression; Eating Disorders; Bullying/Internet Safety

“I don’t know how or why my feelings of being worthless started, but for as long as I can remember they have always been there. My depression manifested in anger towards my family, especially my sister. Sometimes I would get so mad at someone in my family and it felt like my entire body was going to explode. I would constantly scream and hit them whenever I was upset. Afterwards, I would always feel guilty and thought I was a horrible person. Sometimes I would cry for hours from feeling so sad and lost. My teachers and friends had no idea I was this mean, angry, and sad person at home. To them, I was always sweet and really shy.  I tried to act like nothing was wrong for years.

Eventually, it became too much effort to always pretend I was happy when I was really so miserable. I stopped trying to even pretend I was okay and I started failing all of my classes right before I was supposed to graduate from high school. I stopped going to school all together because I was too overwhelmed. My parents intervened and sent me to a wilderness therapy program. Being there was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but it was also the best. I began to realize I deserved to be happy and started the process of overcoming my depression and mending my relationships with my family. I thought everything was going to be better and my depressed feelings would never return. When they did come back shortly after completing my program, I panicked. I didn’t know what to do and so I started to develop unhealthy eating and exercising habits to cope with my insecurities. I thought fixing what I hated about my body would help fix the feelings I had on the inside. I thought I would never hit rock bottom again but before I knew it I was right back where I started; miserable and failing all of my classes. 

This time, when my parents noticed I was depressed and offered me help, I did not refuse. I started seeing a therapist familiar with my wilderness program and finally began to heal once and for all. Today, I still continue to see him and surround myself with people who also make healthy choices on a daily basis.  I never thought I would ever be happy with myself but I can finally say that today I truly am.”